


Assorted Short Writings and Drabbles (General rated)

by SprucePines



Category: Gravity Falls
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-27
Updated: 2016-06-13
Packaged: 2018-04-23 16:11:14
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 2,652
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4883281
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SprucePines/pseuds/SprucePines
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Where you can find all my General rated shorter pieces. Please feel free to comment if you like.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Uncles

“Hey, Dipper,” Tyrone said as his brother paced the floor, “did you know that in some cultures, the llama is considered nature’s greatest warrior?”

Dipper sighed. “Yes, Ty, that’s the twenty-seventh time you’ve told me that. Can’t you find another magazine to read?”

“I’ve already read all the interesting ones,” Ty answered. Dipper continued to pace. “Why don’t you try and get some rest like Eric?” he asked, gesturing to Mabel’s sleeping husband. “You’re going to wear out that carpet before it has a chance to come back into style.”

“This is taking too long. It shouldn’t take this long, should it? No, I don’t think it’d be taking this long. Something’s gotta be wrong.” Dipper spun on his heel and started to make a beeline for the nurse’s station, but Tyrone’s hand grasped his wrist and held him back.

“Calm down, Dip. There’s no established timeframe for childbirth. No announcement like, ‘Congratulations, you are fully dilated to ten centimeters. You may now give birth.’ You have to let these things happen naturally. Now come on, have a seat. You’ve been pacing for hours.”

Begrudgingly, Dipper sat next to his brother and picked up a National Geographic. As he was leafing through, he caught sight of a doctor approaching the waiting area. He nudged Ty, who likewise nudged Eric awake.

“Huh?” he asked. “What is it?” Seeing the doctor, he quickly stood and rubbed the sleep out of his eyes. “Doc,” he said, “How is she?”

The doctor pulled down his face mask to reveal a big smile. “Mother and babies are doing just fine. Congratulations! You’re a father.”

Relief spread across all three faces. Ty clapped Eric on the shoulder while Dip offered him a handshake. A moment later, three sets of eyebrows furrowed almost at once. “Wait,” Ty said. “Babies, as in plural?”

“This must run in the family, I suppose,” the doctor said. “She had triplets.”

Eric’s legs wobbled underneath him, his hands reaching for his brothers-in-law. Both Dipper and Tyrone held him steady. “Triplets?” he asked.

The doctor nodded. “Two boys and a girl.”

Eric ran a hand through his hair. “Triplets,” he said. He came back to his senses a moment later. “Can I see them?”

“Of course. Come with me. Mabel’s a bit exhausted, as I’m sure you can imagine, so only a short visit.”

The doctor led the three boys down the hall until they reached Mabel’s room. With a grin, he held the door open and they entered. They were greeted by a beaming Mabel, smiling down on three tiny, sleeping bundles curled up in her arms. She looked up at them, and her smile somehow grew larger. Eric stepped up to the bed and sat down next to her, giving her a gentle kiss before looking down at his newborn children. Ty and Dip stepped around to the other side and looked at the happy family.

“Oh my god, Mabel,” Eric said. “They’re so beautiful.”

“I know,” she said. “I still can’t believe it.” She looked back down at her children. “Do you know who this is?” she asked. She received no response. “That’s right, this is your daddy.” She looked up at her brothers. “And these are your uncles, Sir Dippingsauce and Lord Tyronicus.”

They all chuckled at their old nicknames, careful not to wake the babies. “Would you like to hold them?” she asked. Eric stood and gently picked up his daughter. He nestled her in his arms and gently kissed her forehead. “That’s Wendy,” Mabel said.

Tyrone carefully took one of his new nephews. He giggled as the sleeping baby made a scowling face.

“That’s Robbie.”

Dipper softly held the third. He placed his fingertip into the baby’s open hand, which instinctively closed around it, gripping tight.

“And that’s Stan.”


	2. Hansel & Gretel

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A retelling of the classic Grimm fairy tale, featuring members of the Pines family

Once upon a time, a poor con artist named Stan lived in a little cottage in the forest near a sleepy little town with his wife. His great-nephew, Dipper, and great-niece, Mabel, were visiting for the summer. His wife often mistreated the children and was forever nagging the con artist.

“There isn’t enough food to feed us all! There are too many mouths to feed! We should get rid of those two brats!” And on and on and on she kept trying to persuade him to abandon the children in the woods.

“But couldn’t I just send them back to their parents?” he asked.

“That costs money!” his wife declared. “Money that we don’t have! You haven’t had many customers lately. Where do you propose to get the money to send them home?” Stan didn’t know what to do.

“Take them miles from home, so they can’t find their way back. Maybe someone will find them and take care of them.”

One evening, Dipper overheard this conversation and went to comfort his sister.

“Don’t worry, Mabel,” he said. “Even if they do leave us out in the forest, we’ll find our way home.” He snuck out that night and filled his pockets with white pebbles before returning to bed.

All night long, Stan’s wife harped on him until, in the morning, he reluctantly led Dipper and Mabel into the woods. As they were led through the trees, though, Dipper dropped a pebble onto the mossy ground. Eventually, Stan stopped and mumbled an excuse before turning and leaving them.

When night fell and Stan still did not return, Mabel began to cry. Dipper was scared, too, but tried to hide his feelings for her sake.

“Don’t cry, Mabel. I’ll get us back home.” Luckily, the moon was full that night and he waited until its cool light shone through the trees.

“Take my hand,” he said. “We’ll get home safely, you’ll see.” The pebbles gleamed in the moonlight, leading them all the way home. They crept through a half open window, careful not to wake Stan and his wife. Cold and tired, but thankful to be home again, they slipped into bed and fell to sleep.

The next day, when Stan’s wife discovered that Dipper and Mabel had returned, she went into a rage. Stifling her anger in front of the children, she locked her bedroom door, reproaching her husband for failing to carry out her orders. Stan protested, torn as he was between shame and fear of disobeying his cruel wife. The wicked woman kept Dipper and Mabel under lock and key all day with nothing for supper but a sip of water and some hard bread. All night, husband and wife quarreled, and the next morning Stan led the children out into the forest once again.

But Dipper didn’t eat his bread and as they were led through the trees, he left a trail of crumbs to mark the way. However, he had forgotten about the hungry birds. They swooped in behind them and ate the crumbs. Again, Stan mumbled a lame excuse and left them alone.

“I left a trail again,” Dipper whispered to his sister. But when night fell they were horrified to find the trail gone.

“I’m scared, Dipper,” Mabel said, crying. “I’m cold, I’m hungry, and I want to go home!”

“I know, but don’t be afraid,” Dipper said. “I’m here with you.” He tried to be brave for his twin’s sake, but even he found himself seeing frightening shadows and eyes staring at them through the darkness. All night, they huddled close together for warmth at the foot of a tree.

The next morning, they walked through the forest, trying to find a path, but to no avail. They were truly lost. On they walked and walked, until they came upon a glade upon which stood a strange cottage.

“Mabel, this is chocolate!” Dipper said as he broke a chunk of plaster from the wall.

“And this is icing!” Mabel said, scooping some off the window trim. Hungry, but happy, they began to break off pieces of candy from the side of the cottage.

“It’s like a dream come true!” Mabel cried, her mouth full of sweets.

“Why don’t we just live here?” Dipper asked. They were about to try a bit of the gingerbread door when it began to swing open.

“Well, I’ll be,” said the person who stepped out. Their face was obscured by a hood, but a tuft of white hair poked out. “Aren’t you just precious, eatin’ my house? Y’all got a little bit of a sweet tooth?”

Dipper and Mabel were both apprehensive, but the strange person waved at them. “Come on in, I got plenty more inside for you to eat.” Hungry, the twins stepped through the door. However, as soon as the door slammed shut, Dipper found himself shoved into a cage. They had found themselves in a witch’s trap.

“You’re nothin’ but skin and bone,” the witch said, feeling Dipper’s noodle arm. “I’m gonna fatten you up and eat you.”

“You, child, can do the housework,” the witch told Mabel grimly, “then I’m gonna gobble the two of you all up.”

Fortunately, the witch had very poor eyesight. For several days straight, Dipper was fed plates of food to fatten him up. And each day, the witch would command Dipper hold out a finger to check how fat he’d gotten.

One day, Mabel snuck a chicken bone into Dipper’s cage. When the witch asked to feel his finger, Dipper showed the bone to the witch.

“You’re still too thin,” the witch complained. “Why aren’t you fattened up yet?”

One day, the witch grew tired of waiting. “Light the oven,” the witch commanded Mabel. “We’re gonna have roasted boy for dinner!”

Later, growing hungry and impatient, the witch went on: “Go and check that the oven is hot enough!”

Mabel returned a minute later, saying “I can’t tell if it’s hot enough or not.”

Grumbling, the witch pushed her aside. “Useless girl. Fine, I’ll see for myself.” When the witch bent over to check the oven, though, Mabel shoved the witch in and slammed the door shut. The witch died screaming.

After setting Dipper free, the two children spent the next few days eating more of the cottage until they came upon a giant chocolate egg. Inside, they found a chest of gold coins.

“The witch is dead, so we might as well take this with us,” Dipper said. They filled a basket with food and set off in search of a way back home. Luck was with them this time, and on the second day they found Stan’s home. He came out to meet them and gave them a big hug.

“My wife left me,” he said. “So there’ll be no more talk about leaving you kids in the woods.” Dipper and Mabel returned his hug.

Dipper opened the chest. “Look, Grunkle Stan. We’re rich. You don’t have to worry about conning rubes ever again.”

Stan’s eyes doubled in size. “Pack your bags, kids!”

And they all went to Vegas.


	3. Horror Movie Night

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mabel makes an unwise choice for movie night.

“You decided yet, Mabel?” Dipper asked, looking down at his sister’s hunched form. Her backside wiggled slightly from side to side as she skimmed over the contents of the shelf.

“Not quite—wait, hang on.” She paused and began to chuckle, which quickly became a chortle as she stood and whirled around to face her brother, DVD case in hand. He looked at the proffered movie with a grin, but it faltered when he saw what she had picked.

The Wicker Man. The original version.

“Um, Mabel,” he said, “I don’t know if that’s such a good idea.”

“What are you talking about? It’s perfect. ‘NO! NOT THE BEES!’” She flopped onto the floor, whipping her head back and forth. “’THEY’RE IN MY EYES!’”

Dipper couldn’t help but chuckle at his sister’s antics, despite himself. “You don’t understand, Mabel. That’s not the one with Nicolas Cage. That’s the original version.”

She took another look at the case, her brow knit. “Really?” Her eyes brightened up again, though. “Okay, but come on, this was made in ‘73. It’s gotta be cheesy, right? And it’s got Count Dooku, too!”

Dipper sucked in his breath through gritted teeth. “Are you absolutely sure, Mabel?”

She thrust the DVD case towards his face. “YUS! We’re watching this one.”

He sighed, taking it from her outstretched hands. “Okay. But don’t say I didn’t warn you.”

*************************************

_“Oh, God! OH, JESUS CHRIST!!!”_

Mabel cringed into Dipper’s arm, squeezing against him as tightly as she could and then tighter still. He reached around with his free hand and gently patted her back, but he could feel her shaking as one of the villagers carried Officer Howie into the titular Wicker Man.

“I thought this was supposed to be funny,” she said, her voice wavering.

“I tried to warn you, Mabel.”

“He gets out of it, right? Like, divine intervention or something…right?”

Dipper only continued to look at the screen in tight-lipped silence. Mabel tugged the neck of her sweater over her eyes. Silently, Dipper reached for the remote and stopped the DVD before the grim finale could play out.

“Never let me pick out a horror movie ever again,” she said, her voice muffled.

He rubbed her back. “Come on. I think it’s time we went to bed.”

Her hands gripped his arm anew. “I don’t wanna be alone tonight! Can I sleep with you?”

“Sure.”

He heard her sniffle from under her sweater. “Thank you, Dipper.”


	4. The Woodpecker Man and his Wife

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I still can't quite believe, but someone legitimately asked me to write something with the woodpecker and the guy who married her. I almost opted to not post this here, but I do think this is pretty humorous.

The door suddenly swung in, propelled by a fierce kick. The occupants of the room all whipped their heads around to stare at the intrusion. A well-dressed man stepped inside, his silver mustache twitching as he took in his surroundings. Everyone was gathered around a small table, including the one he was after. He strode purposefully towards them.

“I’ve finally found you! Have you any idea how long it took me to track you down?”

Everyone at the table stared up at him silently.

“You left without any warning, you wouldn’t return any of my calls. I never would have learned where you went if I hadn’t run across your cousin passing through town a week ago.”

Several heads turned to look at one of the gathered, who blankly stared back before bowing his head slightly.

“Why did you leave so suddenly?”

Silence.

“Did you think I didn’t care enough for you?”

Silence.

“Will you look at me, please? I came all the way down here from Gravity Falls to find you. The least you can do is look me in the eye.”

Slowly, one pair of eyes turned to gaze up at him.

“Haven’t you wondered why I even came down here, when I told you how much I was against traveling south?”

Silence.

“I did it because…damn it, I love you!” He knelt down at the table, looking his wife in her tiny eyes. “Please. We can make this work; I’m sure of it. Give me another chance. We can get a room down here and spend the winter. I don’t care about what they say about me at the office. I love you.”

She hopped towards him on the tabletop and pressed her beak against his nose. With a smile, he offered his hand, which she hopped into. He stood, bird in hand and looked at his avian in-laws. “I’m really sorry about the door. I’ll pay for the repairs.”

Yet more silence. Many of them weren’t even paying attention to him anymore, their heads bobbing this way and that. With a shrug, he turned and carried his wife away.

_Meanwhile, hundreds of miles away:_

“Hey Mabel,” Dipper asked, “is there anything going on today?”

His twin shook her head. “No-no, bro-bro. Just a nothing day. Why?”

“I don’t know. Usually something’s always happening.”

Mabel smiled. “You worry too much, Dip.” She patted the spot next to her on the couch. “How about we just sit here and watch some Ducktective?”

He smiled back. “Alright,” he said, taking a seat next to her.


End file.
